I was in the port-o-let under the dogwood blossoms when the phone in my pocket started ringing. I fished it out best I could, it was eight o’clock and Jud was calling.
“Aloha, Mr. Hand.” I said.
“Buenos dios. Hey, whatcha gettin into over there this mornin’?”
“Well I’m spending some time here in the office.” I hadn’t really quite figured it out yet. I’d kind of been thinking about the wrapping of the exposed rafter beams in pine. At that moment I heard a vehicle pull up and stop and then a door open.
“Well the plumber says he’s coming your way.” Jud said. Directly outside I heard Ronnie,
“Hey you in there, Baby Duck? Ain’t you got one of those blue boxes at your house?”
“Yeah he’s out there yellin’ for me right now.” I said into the phone. There was laughter on the other end. “I reckon I’ll be setting that vanity then. Any chance of you swinging by and helping me get it up the stairs?” There was more hell being raised outside for me to come on out.
“Hell I’m halfway across the nickel bridge now. I’ll call and yell at Howie to hurry it up.”
“Are you sure? I’m guessing that vanity only cost around five thousand dollars, not including the marble top.”
“Howie’s fine. The boy’s in a much better mental state these days. I’ll swing by and check up on you guys around lunch.”
“I hope you realize you’ve ruined my morning poop with nothing but bad news.”
“Hey, you’re my number one ram-rod over there.”
“Okay then.”
I prayed the paint in the little bathroom had cured enough to have us get in there and start knocking around. Usually when Ronnie calls and says he’s coming it means he’s still a day out. I let us in. He was cussing Jamie the roofer for blowing an appointment down in the fan, which was what lead him directly to me. I got upstairs to the “master suite” and set up my stuff while Ronnie started dragging tools out of his white van. I hooked up the XM radio and dialed it to “
We convened in the living room where under the packing blankets the vanity had waited for two months for us to prepare its final home up the stairs of the cape-cod. I still hadn’t quite figured out how to get it around the corner made by the two doorways adjacent to the first step. The forty sheets of sheetrock had gone up, but there had only been one way to do it. Ronnie browsed through the other items- the countertop, the under the counter sinks.
“Hey, you gonna help me get this son-of-a-bitch up the stairs?” I asked.
“Is it gonna fit up those stairs? Where’s your tape measure?” he jabbed his thumb at me.
“We don’t need no fucking tape.”
Just then the phone rang, an unidentified number. It took me three rings before I realized it was Howie’s new number that I’d yet to enter into my phone.
“Hey man, Jud called, I’m on my way.” He still sounded a little groggy.
“It’s okay, I still don’t know what I’m doing over here, I may have to run get my hand truck.” The only way I could see the thing going up the stairs was on edge and vertical.
“Okay I’m gonna stop by Starbucks and get a coffee. You want me to pick you something up?”
“No I still got a full thermos. See you in a bit.” I hung up.
“That was Howie?” Ronnie asked.
“Yeah he’s on his way”
“Well shit, you don’t need me for nothing then!”
I was gone and back with the hand-truck, blankets and straps and still no Howie. Ronnie was vacuuming up white pvc shavings from where he’d sawed off the flange for the toilet. I’d set that flange after I put down the plywood sub-floor and the tile guys had set the cement board and run the tile.
“Hey what was wrong with the flange?” I asked.
“It had a hairline crack right there, Killer” and showed me the missing chip.
“What happened? I set it just like you told me. Was it me?” I said.
“I dunno, maybe the tile guys stepped on it.”
“Well we got to assign blame to somebody.”
“Let’s blame Howie.” He said. I set to pulling the base molding that Jud had run behind where the vanity was going. It was going to hold the vanity off the wall ¾ of an inch and blow the reveal the counter-top needed on top of it. The wall and trim both had a beautiful new coat of caulk and paint. I cussed Jud a few minutes to Ronnie, wishing that Howie would show up so I could get him to yank it. There was a recognizable guitar twang on the radio.
“My word, is that Willie Nelson?” asked Ronnie
“I think so.” We both worked in silence for a moment. I wondered what would happen when Willie and then Kris Kristoferson finally died. I would need to write something about Willie, perhaps before then.
“My parents saw him down in
“Oh did they? Well I guess ole’ Willies getting on up there.” Just then Howie rolled in. “Whatcha say, Lightnin’?” Ronnie hollered.
“Hi guys.” He said. “Sorry I’m late. Hey Clay, is your family back yet?”
“Not yet. Hey, will you take this pry bar down to that end of the board?” I said. He dropped his tool belt and hurried down onto the floor. With me pulling the free end he went through and applied pressure every so often to the piece. “That’s it, just like unzipping your pants.”
“Now don’t ya’ll get me excited.” Ronnie said. “I know how you feel about Howie”
“I do love me some Howie,” I said. “Alright let’s go get that vanity.”
“How do you want to do this?” Howie asked
“I dunno, let’s just take a running start and see does it fit.” It came off without a hitch. No hand truck. Light, it tipped on edge easily, we got it around the corner and up the stairs with no damage to the pre-finished veneer of whatever it is that passes for Cherry in
“Hey, who is this?” he asked. I said I thought it was George Jones. “Man, I love this radio station.”
I made a couple quick measurements between the two cavities where the medicine cabinets were to go, marked down and eyeballed the vanity center between them. No time for the level, no square. I screwed it in, popping a few screw heads out in the sheetrock. More touch-up.
“Is that where you want it?” asked Ronnie.
“Yeah, why not.” I said.
“Is it center?”
“Believe so.”
“Is it level?”
“Mostly.”
“Are you sure about that?” he grinned.
“Will you stop fucking with me and do your thing, god-dammit?”
“Whatever would you do without me?”
“Fuckin' plumber” I said. I then ran the baseboard to it to lock it in further, no turning back. If we lost the plumber it’d be a week before we got him back. He started threading on valves for the sinks and I went to get my head around the counter-top.
“Hey is the marble cut already?” Ronnie asked.
“Fuck if I know.”
“The plumber don’t cut the marble. Cuz if she crack, who gonna pay for it?”
“Not this monkey,” I said, “Let’s go check it out.”
The marble was cut for the two sinks and the faucets. The sinks would lay on two foam covered boards built into the vanity and the countertop lay on top of the whole thing. No problem. Ronnie and I worked in tandem. While waiting for him to finish the valves I installed the two pre-finished medicine cabinets into holes in the sheetrock. I tapped them in between the studs I’d framed up. I had to use a no-mar mallet, they were honeymoon tight. Ronnie popped a level over the top of both of them, and had nothing to complain about. “Ace number one carpenter!” he said.
Howie was getting frustrated with the base in the next room. He was being too quiet. I decided to let him alone for a while as I’d already run him off of this job a month earlier. His tension was palpable as we gingerly carried the marble piece through. I had enough to worry about, there was no dropping that marble.
“Hey, how you gonna set the top, baby duck?” Ronnie asked.
“What, you ain’t doing that either?”
“Nope, I just make with the pipes and turds and such.” He said.
“Geez-louise. I don’t know, I figure we could set it into some silicone caulk. You got any?”
“Nope. Just a piece-a-tube of latex. What do you wanna use, white or clear?”
“Haven't you figured out yet that I’m making this up as I go?” I said.
“Well I got to run to the supply house for the flange, you want me to pick it up?”
“Naw, I’ll head to Lowes and grab some lunch.”
“Lunch? We ain’t got time for no fuckin’ lunch. What the fuck is this?” He was smiling the whole time, “Besides I got to roll out of here by one to meet that roofer.”
“What? Fuck that roofer!” I hollered, and off we went. I left Howie to work out the issues with the base mould unencumbered by my opinions.
I called Jud on the way, “Man you got to get down to this hell hole. It’s a nightmare today.” He said.
“What, the Mike’s job?”
“Yeah, except there’s no Mike. So I guess that means I'm runnin' this job. We got a million people running around, guys are pulling off, dudes screamin’ at each other. It’s kind of fun in it’s own twisted way.”
“Yup, going to war,” I said, “striding forth to do battle.” He laughed.
We brained out the silicone issue together, over the phone. Not white, clear, let it splooge out if it must and then cut it back later with a knife. I hauled ass over to Lowes, parked the truck over by the garden center and decided going in there were too many re-tire-ees browsing the perennials to effectively check out that way. Knuckle-head contractors filled the isles, confused, got to close too me in the paint department. Four tubes clear 100% silicone, for windows and doors. I got checked out and ran it wide open up Monument, pulled a U-turn two miles down and rolled onto the expressway for two exits. I didn’t quite get killed by a U-of-R student coming off at
“What is this shit, you needed Kitchen and
“What? Why? It’s hundred percent silicone!” I said.
“Man I’m just fucking with you.”
“Must you always force me to live with doubt?” I asked, “It’s very cruel you know.”
The countertop lined up perfect under the cabinets. I threw my two twenty-five pound bags of lead shot from Green-top on top of it to hold till the silicone set. I ran a two-by-four brace from the shower to hold the backsplash in place. No caulk squeezed out. I felt like a very good carpenter. Howie and I went out front to have a cigarette.
“Man, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. That base moldings not working out very well.” he said.
“I think the blade’s shot. What I’ve seen of what you’ve done looks fine. Keep rolling and the painter will get it later.”
The phone rang, it was my wife’s phone. I answered and my five year old son said “Hey dad” he sounded worn out and tired. I felt a pang in my heart.
“Are you on the train yet?” I asked.
“Yeah, and we’re passing a cool cemetery.”
“Is it pretty?”
“Yeah. It’s very cool outside the train.”
“Well you guy’s will be home tonight right? I miss not sleeping with you.”
“Yeah, and we went under a big stone bridge! What are you and Jud and Howie doing at work today?”
“Oh we’re all having fun playing with Ronnie the plumber. I’ll see you tonight, okay, buddy? I love you.”
“Okay, dad. I love you too”
I got off the phone and had back at it.
